Suzie Carpenter - Cook With Love

Cook With Love

The Power Of Sisterhood

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I spent the past week traveling to Colorado, and it was one of the most powerful experiences I’ve had in a while.

The first two days were with one of my sisters in Denver. Then, I spent five days in Aspen with my girlfriends from college.

The organizer and host was the very first person I met when I arrived on campus at Colby College in Maine thirty five years ago, and one of the best friends I’ve ever known.

Needless to say, my soul is sparkling with joy from these dreamy days of sisterhood.

But truly, what made this experience so special for me was PRESENCE, vulnerability, understanding and forgiveness.

Here’s my greatest takeaways:

All the stories we tell ourselves – all the drama in our heads, all the things we imagine about what other people think – like wondering if I’m the oddball, if they think I’m self absorbed, if I’m not a good friend or if I’m too serious – are NOT true!

This what I had been doing – dwelling on how the things I’d done in the past – out of survival or self absorption. Thinking of all the things I thought that made me different, wrong or bad. I held regret in my heart. All of that was swirling in my mind, holding me hostage, until this gathering.

Being together allowed me to release the illusion of separation.

This is what I know to be true:

We need to make space for REAL connection – to give ourselves the gift of time together.

Good friends are hard to find

Good friends laugh and cry with you.

Good friends hold your hand and listen to what’s on your heart.

Good friends support and love you, no matter what you’re going through 😍

How To Lead With Love ❤️

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If you asked me, “Is it possible to love too much?” My first response would be, “Of course not!”

After all, Lead with Love has been my mantra for years while raising two daughters, one with autism.

Yet I think I may be guilty of being too focused on making my loved ones happy. Because of this, I refrain from sharing my honest opinions or knowledge. To be completely transparent, I would say that most of the time I am not even tuned into my own feelings enough to have an opinion. But all of that is changing…..

So, the other day my husband told me, “You know you said something really powerful last night.”

That surprised me. Not because I didn’t believe him, but because often I’m not sure if he’s really listening or getting what I’m saying. You know it’s that Mars versus Venus thing. 

So what did I say that was so powerful?

I said, “Do you think we enable each other……?”

It’s pretty simple on the surface, yet much deeper once you dig in.

Here’s why I brought it up. Honestly, it was an intuitive hit. Once I tuned in and trusted that inner voice, then the thought morphed into a major light bulb moment.  

You see, I want him to be happy. And he wants me to be happy. Which is a beautiful thing because we’ve loved each other very deeply for along time.

But recently, when he was struggling with a decision, I wasn’t being honest with him. I wasn’t telling him what I really thought. And it wasn’t the first time that I held back.

My AHA moment came with realizing that I wasn’t helping by simply giving him the answers I thought he wanted to hear and not sharing my honest opinion. By going along, I am not only placating him, I’m disempowering myself by not revealing my true feelings. 

This happens to many of us, especially those who are weary of conflict or confrontation, are sensitive to others, or fear rejection or abandonment. It happens not only with our spouses or partners, but also with our children, our own parents, friends, siblings and even colleagues. It’s even true for our selves. The same fear that stops us from sharing with others stops us from owning our own truth and power.

If you look up enable in the dictionary or thesaurus, you will see one of its synonyms is empower. Yet, this is surprising. While enable and empower both have positive intentions, they are two very different things. When you enable someone, you are not teaching the other person to be more independent, self sufficient or self directed. Where as, when you empower someone, you are facilitating self competency, self confidence and self direction.

Following this line of thinking, it seems that fear is the force behind enabling another. Where as, love is the force behind empowering another.

While the instinct to help others, especially the ones closest to us, is incredibly noble, it is something that we’ve been taught to do without thinking about what it really means. To put it in perspective, here are a few questions to ask yourself:

Do you often ignore your own needs and desires so you can help someone else?

Do you take on responsibility effortlessly but then later resent it?

Do you feel numb to your own emotions or struggle to express your feelings?

Do you continue to offer help even when it’s not being reciprocated, appreciated or even acknowledged?

Back to my story, since that conversation with my husband, I have an increased awareness of sharing my truth, even if the instinct is still there to simply indulge him in sweet and sappy unconditional love. Awareness is always the first step towards transformation. Self awareness is super important because more often than not our friends and family will tell us what we want to hear. Just like me, they will enable us even if it is a very subtle thing. And that does not help us to grow, transform or act on our deeper purpose.  Besides, wouldn’t you rather be empowered than enabled?

When we let go of control and surrender to God or the Universe……..when we learn we are not separate from each other or from the Source…………………….then and only then, are we are open to learn the greatest lesson of all ——————

How to love and accept ourselves❤️

Success with Tiny Goals

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“Success is the sum of small efforts repeated day in and day out.” ~ Robert Collier

When I first started health coaching, one of my clients was a very successful male executive. After several months working with me, he told me, “Suzie you should name your business, Success In Inches.”  That was back in 2009.

While weight loss is one of the outcomes of my program, he wasn’t referring to body measurements. 

What he meant was the success he was experiencing from the small steps we’d been working on together. Steps, that while they seemed tiny at first, were actually making a huge difference in his life.

Like many people, especially those who are type A, he came to me wanting big results and fast. He’d heard how I helped others lose stubborn pounds through my unique approach.

But it took some coaxing to help him relax into a different strategy. To teach him a more mindful, intuitive process where he was tuning into his body like never before. Once he surrendered, he had profound appreciation for the small steps.

While tiny goals don’t always produce immediate gratification especially with tangible measurements like the number on the scale, it’s embracing moving in the right direction while taking those smaller steps that helps achieve the desired outcome. It also distinguishes the difference between crossing the finish line and actually integrating transformation into our being. 

So how do you start small when you are feeling anxious or ambitious?

The key is taking your big goal and breaking it down into tiny goals. 

This takes a leap of faith. Yet, instead of being scary, this is extremely refreshing. Tiny goals make whatever we are working towards – the bigger goal – do-able. Tiny steps do not feel overwhelming. Instead they are quick to complete.  They make you feel like – I can do this!  They build momentum.

One way to craft your tiny goals is through visualization. What you do is visualize the process of reaching the big goal. Break the end result down into the tiniest details like every lap, every stroke, every mile, every ingredient. 

Then when it comes to implementation or action – you start by taking that first step even if you are not sure if it’s the right one or if it will make a difference.

It is imperative that you trust your intuition to guide you. To trust that force that is greater than your thoughts, more powerful than your beliefs and more in alignment with your purpose and power.

It’s also critical that you trust yourself and not just the person guiding you or the excitement of thinking about your success. Believe that you are on the right track even if it feels weird or unfamiliar. Let go of control and of the outcome. Force yourself to be patient, to be in the moment.

Here’s the trick to why this works. When we simply focus on the big goal, that can be paralyzing. When we are overwhelmed, it accentuates the feeling of not being good enough. Then that stops us in our tracks, and often then we end up doing nothing.

Success comes from feeling empowered, from knowing we CAN do our best, no matter what the outcome.

Here’s a plan to get you started:

Write down your ideal vision – or big dream.

Chunk that down into smaller pieces.

Take one and chunk that down even further, into tiny goals.

Write down one tiny goal per day or week, depending the size of the goal and your schedule.

Focus and finish is an excellent mantra that works for completing any size task.

Re-evaluate your big dream and progress daily.

Celebrate your successes every day……xoxo

 

Our Biggest Fear

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Last Thursday was my birthday. 

I am now 52 years or 18,993 days old.

While there were some beautiful moments that day, I’m not going to pretend like it was perfect because it wasn’t. Even though it was most certainly a day to celebrate life, I felt thrown off by some conversations and relationships that historically trigger me. While I have worked hard to address these types of reactions this year, on my birthday I regressed a bit. In that tender humanness, I was reminded of how inner peace is a practice, a journey not a destination. 

Since life’s curveballs are a challenge we all face,  I’d like to share some thoughts around this with you today.

We all struggle with our humanness. What I mean by humanness is the vulnerability we feel based on the stories we tell ourselves. Lies really. It is important to be able to acknowledge this truth as part of our pilgrimage to becoming more whole, to becoming one with ourselves, one with others and with the universe

The key is being able to remind ourselves over and over of this truth:

I’m not perfect. Life is not perfect. Even though at times I feel inadequate, fearful or less than, I trust my heart to guide me through the fear, anger or resentment.

Despite my imperfectness, I am enough. That no matter how many times I am triggered, I am still stronger than I think.  I am worthy of love, joy and abundance. And I create this for myself.

One of the biggest things I know to be true is that – when we are able to sync more completely with our soul, that is when we feel more at peace. As I continue to age – my hope is do it with grace, to love and respect my body no matter what challenges I face. 

Here are a Few Strategies to Get you Started:

Make time every day to be alone with yourself and reflect. This needs to be non-negotiable. Focus on gratitude but also allow yourself to process, then naturally release. The best way to do this is through writing in a notebook or journal.

Be inspired daily through reflection of our humanness. Connect to your soul through resources like the Bible or self help books.

Create a mantra that you say to yourself daily – throughout the day.  Some examples are  I am whole, perfect, strong, loving harmonious and happy. I am powerful beyond measure. I am worthy of love.

Get a coach who will hold you to your truth and honor your soul (not your personality or ego)

I leave you with one of my favorite passages from Marianne Williamson’s Book Return to Love.

 Our Deepest Fear

By Marianne Williamson

Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate.
Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure.
It is our light, not our darkness
That most frightens us.
We ask ourselves
Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous?
Actually, who are you not to be?
You are a child of God.
Your playing small
Does not serve the world.
There’s nothing enlightened about shrinking
So that other people won’t feel insecure around you.
We are all meant to shine,
As children do.
We were born to make manifest
The glory of God that is within us.
It’s not just in some of us;
It’s in everyone.
And as we let our own light shine,
We unconsciously give other people permission to do the same.
As we’re liberated from our own fear,
Our presence automatically liberates others.

 

Letting Go

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Before before I met my greatest teacher, before autism came into my life, these were some of the things I believed:

That I needed to have a beautifully decorated house and the right clothes and shoes for every occasion.

That I needed a recipe to follow whenever I cooked.

That sugar was harmless as long as I ate plenty of salad.

That exercise was about being able to eat.

That a prescription would heal me.

That happiness came from external experiences.

What I didn’t realize was that I was lying to myself, that I was trying to “fit in” and “keep up”.

It was only in letting go that I learned how to trust my inner wisdom and to live each day in love with life as it is….

This wasn’t a switch that flipped easily, it took time. Time to process the loss, loss of what I thought life was supposed to be and to rewrite the story. It took work, conscious continuous commitment, to uncover the truth.

Now when I think about the freedom that comes from just being me, and feeling like me in my body through the lifestyle I live, I am so grateful to be here.

I believe that we all have the ability to be our most beautiful selves in every moment. I believe that it is our right to feel the freedom that comes from being fully aligned in our own truth.

This way of living is not optional, it is essential.

Whenever I am faced with stressful situations or toxic energy, I remind myself of who I am. Then I breathe. In this space, I am bring myself back to center.

Whenever the voice of the inner gremlin challenges me or I’m tempted to compare myself to another, I let go of the fear and remind myself of my truth.

Once I’m free again, I allow my soul to guide me and connect me back to a higher vibration.

How do you find your truth?

This is a process of discovery that needs guidance. The kind of truth I’m talking about is DEEP truth, the kind that truly sets you free, not for a moment or a week, but forever.

This strength comes from being you, unapologetically you, authentically you and fully expressed you. This is your light. Find it and don’t ever let it go!

The Healing Power Of Self Love

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When we think about love, we don’t usually think of self love.

Yet it is the most important kind of love.

By self love, I don’t mean that entitled “what about me” self centeredness.

What I mean is honoring your own values, desires and needs even when you have other responsibilities, like working and taking care of others.

Self love goes much deeper than just self care. Self love is making time to nurture and nourish your soul, the deepest most intimate part of you.

Self love is seeking joy and peace from an inside out perspective. It is treating your body, mind and spirit with loving kindness not just once in a while but on a regular basis.

Self love is about acceptance.

Self love is not a destination; it’s a discipline. It is the practice of spending time by yourself, with you.

Of course, this is easier said than done. It requires a shift in both mindset and routine. Like many things, it starts with a habit that needs practice and repetition before it can be embraced. One way I practice daily self love is through meditative journaling.

It has taken me years to learn this. Or rather to put it into practice.

As a mother of two girls, one with autism, I didn’t like it when people used to tell me to take care of myself. They’d said it would make me a be a better mom and wife. What?  I wondered. Was I not already capable or good enough? Besides, I didn’t believe a manicure, massage or shopping were solutions to the stress I felt from the chaos.

During those difficult years, I had one goal and that was to make sure my two girls were happy, healthy and knew they were loved. If that meant sacrificing my own health and happiness, I did. In fact, I completely lost touch with myself and my emotions.

Looking back it is easy to see that my insides were all coiled up in a tight knot of physical and emotional toxicity.

One thing I did do for myself was go to therapy. For a while that was a gift.

But what really turned things around for me was learning to take care of my body, specifically healing my gut. Then everything else flowed from there. My perspective totally shifted, and I learned how to be my happiest, most alive self. I learned how to be my own hero.

The thing is that sometimes we don’t know how badly we feel until we feel better. I didn’t know my body was dealing with toxicity from things like antibiotics, toxic mold in our home, pain meds, and inflammatory foods like too much sugar.

While I was toxic inside, I could not find happiness, clarity, peace or presence. I honestly do not believe it was possible. I was playing the victim and martyr all at the same time. I resented other people for my unhappiness. I felt burdened instead of blessed and abandoned instead of loved.

My journey of healing started because of my daughter. Her autistic symptoms – trouble with transitions, insomnia, obstinate behaviors, rigidity, hitting, yelling and perseverations – all improved when we changed her diet and started healing her gut.

That magically opened the door for me to learn about healing my own body.

She can’t be the only one, I realized as I learned the true power of food. I also learned first hand that the body has the ability to heal itself given the proper love and attention.

Becoming her partner in her healing journey, making it ours, was the best decision I’ve ever made (besides marrying my husband and deciding to have children). Though we had each other, I did it for me. Not because I wanted to be a better mommy, wife or person. But because I wanted to feel like me in my body. The quiet whisper of my intuition guided me and showed me how to love myself. That voice got louder and louder the more I listened.

So self love is not selfish. It is about the most important relationship we have, the one with our self.

Read more about our journey in my memoir On The Bright Side: A Mother’s Story of Love and Healing Through Her Daughter’s Autism.